i love my lil chunk more than all the creatures in the sea but i have found that i get lost in him... the diapers, the pumping, the feeding schedule, tummy time and everything in between. you get lost in the hours. they fly by and you feel as though you see them all more times than not. it can make you feel dull. the monotonous of it all. but the smiles, the baths, coos and snuggles make you melt into a puddle of mush and all worth it.
my first trip away was in more ways than one refreshing. it was a time for me to reset. to stop and think without struggling to answer someones questions or find the right words that never seem to populate in your brain. to take care of me. to sleep so deep and hard that a fire probably wouldn't have woken my senses. to enjoy my husband in a way that we hadn't been able to since the delivery. taste an entire meal in one sitting and it's hot to boot. to shower without rushing and brush my teeth before noon. those 3 days seemed like an eternity. an eternity of slow motion where the days lasted longer and the emotions ran fluidly. to lose myself in the waves of the ocean and to find where i left off with my dreams.
an eternity being away from my son. the guilt i carried leaving him so soon. the comments that were made. not made with intention to hurt but with questions as to why. why would i choose to leave him so soon. the "wow" so soon statement. lets get something straight, i don't love my son any less than the other mothers of a 6 week old. i don't compare my need to come up for air to theirs. we are all in this together. to raise young men and women in a world that is hard enough. to cherish every moment with them. aside from the day to day tasks that are part of his life. now our life. your struggle is my struggle. take a moment to recognize that.
i remember going to his first doctors appointment. seeing another mom. her hair up and tethered. the lack of makeup let alone sleep. i could see in her eyes, she was toast. exhaustion wasn't a strong enough word. in that moment as i changed my son's diaper on the floor of the bathroom (another discussion for a different day) i realized that for her too, it took everything she had to get there. let alone flash a smile. i sympathetically sent her an acknowledgment smile. so she knew i knew and that i had and will be there too on a different day. but as to say, it will be ok. we will all make it.
just imagine if we didn't have the opportunity to make it. how different our lives would be. if i had not been blessed to be his mother. i would have different joys and sadness. fears and accomplishments. but now they all will include him. i will continue to support the other mother that struggles just like me. and i just might tell her to be ok with taking a weekend. just like this holiday one for her and for them. to get lost in herself again even if just for a minute. and learn to be content in it. to be better for her and him. one day at a time.
hugs and love *sarah*
